Understanding

Ever thought you understood only to find that you did not? Ever make assumptions based on your own view point without taking into consideration another possible view point and been so terribly sorry? Ever struggle to know what to do and nothing and no way seems like a good idea?

Well, that was me awhile back. The situation was difficult, to put it mildly. There seemed no good answers. I lifted up quick prayers for guidance. I quickly asked for wisdom, but looking back I see that I did not stop to listen to the answer very well. The answer was revealed to me later, and I was chagrined. Why? Because I had thought I was being selfless. I had thought I was considering all view points. I had thought my response was balanced and fair and prudent. I hadn't rushed to judgment. Hadn't rushed to speak. I had seemed wise in my own eyes. Hmmmm...

I am always amazed how God continually refines me. He keeps taking me to another level. And with each step I am humbled more and more. With each lesson I see how little I know. With each revelation I see how truly selfish and sinful I am. And there was a time that would have caused me great grief and despair. Now, thanks to the Lord Jesus, I know that the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding and the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. With each painful revelation of the true state of my heart I am growing closer to Him. With each revelation of true love of the Holy One my understanding grows. With each realization of how selfish I am my fear of the Lord is cemented thus increasing my wisdom. Now, I find that my constant prayer is that His love cover over the multitude of my sins so that they do not hinder my sons' faith.

In this particular moment, as I was indignant about the selfishness of another and out raged at being accused of being selfish...God opened my eyes to see things in a whole new light; and there it was-the ugly truth. I was thinking only of how the situation affected me and my loved ones and not fully thinking of how could I show the love of Christ to all. My approach, while not completely without merit and more along the lines of tough love, too quickly dismissed the idea of agape love and complete surrender to the Lord for Him to work out the details. I was once again trying to manipulate another behavior with my own choices, forgetting how that also portrayed a critical spirit, judgment, and a selfish intent at heart.

And I can't begin to say how shocked I was when suddenly the light was seen. It was alarming even. Words cannot begin to describe it...it was just as the song sings..."I was blind but now I see." It was as if a blanket was removed from over my head, and the light burst in, and suddenly the shadows lifted, and the selfish thoughts drifted away like fog does when the sun begins to shine. I could see. I could see the situation through the heart eyes of another. I could see the situation with eyes of love and not eyes that sought to bring about a particular outcome. I could see the situation so differently, and I was humbled. Ever been so completely humbled? Ever had the realization of how truly selfish you are hit you square in the face? What did you do?

I cried. I cried tears that were mingled with sorrow as well as an unusual sense of gratefulness that God had opened my eyes to see and understand. And with all of that, in flowed love. Love for me. Love for the one I had wronged. Love for the one I was trying to manipulate unknowingly. Love for all sinners because I knew that I was one of the biggest of all and Christ still loved me. I felt His love flow over that moment of self realization and it was as if it poured through every pore and opening in my corporeal body, ready to fall unto everyone with whom I came in contact . Sound melodramatic? It seemed melodramatic. It seemed surreal, like something out of a novel. I had been selfish. I had been working as if I had great understanding when I had none. Yet, Christ loves me enough to show me the error of my ways and fill me up with His love and His goodness that I might walk in His ways and He will make my paths straight.

Could He have done so at the first prayer for wisdom without allowing my mistake? Yes. He could have. I could have automatically known exactly what to do and say and not have been humbled by my selfish ways showing forth. What would have been lost? Another opportunity to see that it is not me but Him who is the source of all good. I could have easily thought that the wisdom was my own. I could have missed the opportunity to learn and see once again the true state of my soul and appreciate the love of Christ that is deeper, wider, higher, and stronger than anything my eyes can see. And in so learning this, I was able to pour forth more love than if I had been given the wisdom without the humble lesson. Am I making any sense? It was such a powerful moment.

Have you failed? Have you been shown the error of your ways? Have you been humbled? Oh the joy of knowing that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom! Oh the joy of knowing that He will make our paths straight and that His power is made perfect in our weakness! Lift up your head and praise His name. He loves you. And His love will refine you. And His love will fill you. And you can take that love to the rest of the world! Amen!