Hard Knocks...Cushioned Journey

I love the way God is so gentle with us. Even when He uses the hard knocks of life to discipline us or teach us or mold us, I have found He often then cushions us through those moments with other moments of encouragement.

There are many ups and down in home schooling. There is a lot of pressure to be all things. You are the math and English teacher, the science and history professor, the guidance counselor, the cafeteria worker, the janitor the bus driver…Many caps to ear. For well over 12 years now I have worn them. I have felt pretty confident over all that I have worn them adequately. Even high school, though more challenging, was doable. After all, you have the answer keys.

The other day, well since September, a realization has been making its way to my brain. I might not be adequate after all. It has become painfully clear that the gifts of my first born were what truly enabled me to get him through high school, not my amazing ability to teach or guide. Now that I am on my own to teach upper math my woeful inadequacies are coming to light in the most painful of ways.

Despite previous assertions that I have learned so well to fight discouragement better, I lost the battle terribly the other day. While grading my son’s Algebra II test we both became completely despondent at our inabilities. I was in tears feeling horrible that my son was comforting me, hugging me and telling me it would be okay. I didn’t feel that way. I listened to the little whispered ideas from the enemy that I was worthless and inadequate and that my son was suffering because I was insufficient.

I called hubby. I read to him the one word problem we struggled over. He called me back a mere two minutes later with the solution. See, hubby got a 700 out of 800 on his math SAT. Sure, it was many years ago, but 28 years ago I barely got a C in Algebra II, the only C I ever had! It comes with some post traumatic stress as well! My eldest obviously was gifted enough to overcome my inadequacies moving on to teach himself advanced mathematics and even calculus! My second son says, “I’m sorry mom. I can’t teach myself Algebra like my big brother did.” Wow! Blow to the heart! I was in the school of hard knocks. The school that teaches you this: “You are not sufficient. You need others. You can’t be all things to all people. It’s okay not to be able to do it all. Surprise, you are not perfect!”

I laugh now, but that moment was grueling, terrifying, and ugly. Then God swept in and gave us a solution. Despite crazy schedules and my wonderful hubby getting up at 5 AM each day and leaving at 6:30 AM to arrive home 12 hours later after a hard day’s work, is going to help out. My son likes the idea as well. And it hit me later that there will be blessings from the two of them having scheduled sessions together. They will look at my son’s work schedule and activities and pick three times when they can do his math. That is what is nice about home schooling. It can be done on a Sunday after church if need be.

I felt much better, but there was a niggling issue of pride that lingered; and I am going to come clean. It was not anything but pride. Pure and simple. Despite that, God still cushioned my journey through the hard knocks school of self insufficiency. My eldest, out in California attending college there, the very next morning e-mailed me his eleven page paper on Aristotle and Plato on which he received a 100%!

Why God allowed me that prideful moment while teaching me to let go of my pride in the other situation, I don’t know. But it was like a balm to my aching soul. See, I am the grammar queen! THAT success I could feel I contributed to just a little bit. Quickly, though, I heard another thought, “Pride goeth…” Yeah. Won’t linger long in my moment. There but for the grace of God go I!